Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Life
Since this blog has become my journal, I'm going to share some of my current thoughts. For lack of a better word, life has sucked lately. I just went back and reread some of my entries, and it's interesting that the thoughts I had a couple weeks ago were an answer to prayer before I even knew it. I'm trying to get my thoughts back into the frame of mind that I had that day. Remembering that trials are part of the big plan and help us grow into the person we want to become. But right now I'm just thinking that that all sounds a little too convenient. I'm fighting the urge to walk into my bedroom, lock the door so kids won't come near me and spend the day with my head on my pillow. I really hate that I feel this way. I'm usually able to get over things rather quickly. Lately I feel like a teenager again . . .unsure about the future, self-conscious and insecure. Yuck. I thought I'd come to a good place in life where I could handle anything that came my way. I guess I should never assume that. I'm also feeling guilty that I'm not quickly getting back to normal life, I'm not able to deal with all my friends/family members emotional needs because I'm not in a great place myself, and that I'm not being as faithful as I hoped I'd be while facing adversity. I also feel guilty because I realize what all the "right" answers to my issue are, but I don't always follow that counsel. If I had to find a positive in all this right now, it would be that I had no idea how amazing some of my friends are. It is so hard to be a mom when I'm dealing with my own crap. To be the emotional anchor for others when I feel so depleted myself. To keep up with the day to day constant activity that a family of six brings. I was barely keeping up with life as it was and now I feel like I'm weeks behind where I should be. I've been losing my mind, too. I've forgotten to pay bills on time and give my kids meals. I even planned visit teaching last week and then completely forgot to show up. It's so unlike me. I hope I can start to function better soon. I even feel guilty now for writing all this because I know that some of you have dealt with bigger issues than this. But it feels devastating right now. I wish I could just skip over the next few months or years so that I didn't have to develop hope and faith right now. Sigh. Well, the family needs me and I need to stop wallowing in my troubles. I am so grateful for those who have helped me in small and large ways lately, whether or not they knew of my situation. If it weren't for them, I'd be rocking back and forth in my dark closet right now.
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4 comments:
I think you definately might be suffering from depression. I have this problem in my own life and have to fight just to keep myself out of bed everyday. Unfortunately for me, it has resulted in weight gain since I can't even control my self or get the strength to work out anymore. It's super helpful to talk to someone and get out your feelings. I'm sure you'll hear a lot of the "right" answers, and they do work, but it's not exactly the easiest thing to do. I think setting a goal...even if it's tiny, every day helps. Maybe...today I'll wear makeup. Or, today I'll put on jeans. Today I'll do laundry...only. Just whatever it takes to get through the day...do it. And keep in touch.
I think we have all been there. The day to day needs of your family is very daunting. I go running everyday even if its only 25 min. I tell Justin this is my prozac, and for me it seems to work.This keeps my head and spirit in a good place. I hope you feel better soon :)
Hey Ali, I can't even begin to tell you how much you mean to me and what an example you are to me. I don't want to trivialize your struggles. I think we all go through these types of emotions at some point. I know I certainly have. But, I hope it helps to know that you can also be the bright spot in someone elses day. I have never known someone that is so willing to listen and that you are truly concerned with what they have to say. You are an amazing wife, mother and PERSON! I love checking in with you through our blogs and emails! Keep your chin up. If you need anything just let me know.
Melissa
Ali,
I have been going through a lot of this lately too. Sometimes things get so overwhelming. I think it's okay to feel the way you are feeling as long as you can get over it at some point. I like Sherry's idea about having exercise be your escape everyday. I was so good this summer and I felt so good about life. Now I have gotten lazier and I am noticing a change in the way I feel. I've been forgetting simple things lately too. I don't know what my problem is. Know I'm always here if you need someone to talk to.
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