Suicide

I was jolted awake by a hard knock on the door.  I assumed it was the EFY counselor trying to find me because I took a nap instead of attending my morning class.  Afraid of getting in trouble or disappointing my counselor, I chose to ignore the knock.  Moments later, I heard someone crying loudly in the hallway.  I tentatively looked out the peephole to see my brother and cousin holding my 22-year-old sister as she slumped to the floor, wailing in extreme pain.  My mind couldn’t comprehend the scene.  Why would they be comforting Kara in the hallway of my EFY dorm, 2 hours away from home?  I slowly opened the door and Kara jumped through it, screaming, “Lance is dead!”  In that moment my innocent teenage world was shattered.  The crack of a bullet had literally torn my family apart.

While I had been dancing with friends on the evening of July 18^th 1994, Kara had stood near her husband as he shot himself in a gas station parking lot.  My parents had raced to the hospital to be with Kara while she was interviewed by police officers.  After spending the night crying and vomiting, Kara asked to be driven to Logan, Utah so she could inform me of the tragedy.  Over the next few weeks, I quietly listened while my sister screamed about wanting to hold him one more time.  I watched my Father sob until he was gasping for air.  My Mother’s face had a constant stream of tears as she explained the situation to friends who stopped by the house to offer condolences.  My brother, Scott, hesitantly spoke of the trauma he experienced after being called to the scene of the crime to identify the body and comfort our sister.  My mind felt numb as I went through the motions of accepting a constant stream of food from neighbors while wondering how my family would ever feel whole again.  I wanted to know what Lance was experiencing while his loved ones were vacillating between sorrow and outrage.  Where had he gone?  Was he watching us?  Did he see the pain he caused?  Was he alone?  Was God angry with him?

   I was a vulnerable, spiritually immature 17-year-old when Lance decided suicide was his only option.  A split second in time changed the course of my life by rearranging the puzzle pieces I was beginning to sort out.  Within 2 weeks of Lance’s funeral, Scott left on a mission.  He had always been my confidant, and now I had to figure out how to mourn without his guidance.  I spent many sleepless nights next to Kara as she begged God to let her die.  She began drinking heavily to avoid the constant pain, and was admitted to the hospital after taking an entire bottle of a prescription medication.  Before starting my senior year of high school in August, my boyfriend broke up with me.  I longed for the familiar days when I drove to Kara and Lance’s apartment to watch movies while Lance cooked for me.  Terror filled my heart as I realized Lance had probably committed suicide with one of the guns I had fired when he taught me how to shoot.  I felt a level of despair and loneliness that is indescribable as I witnessed my stable life fall apart.

I’m still digging out pieces of shrapnel that stung my life when a single bullet was fired 20 years ago.  I am so terrified of guns that I refuse to even look at my husband’s recently purchased gun.  I peruse obituaries, looking for vague announcements that are awkwardly written about a suicide victim.  My niece recently confided in me when her friend threatened suicide, but I quickly changed the subject after being frozen with anxiety.  It took me years to become comfortable with going on vacation, because I feared something terrible would happen to my family while I was away.

I have examined the plethora of stigmas surrounding suicide.  Most people believe suicide is a form of murder, one of the most serious sins that can be committed.  Some people speak only of the selfishness associated with suicide, which definitely causes those left behind to have intense feelings of guilt and anger.  My perspective may not be conventional, but it has been developed through years of soul-searching and pondering.  I believe our Heavenly Father did not call Lance home at the time of his death, but he was certainly welcomed home.  Christ knew well the pain Lance held inside, so He embraced him with open arms.

All knowledge is not immediately made available when we leave this life, but I do believe there is a certain amount of awareness and recognition.  This truth helps me know that Lance regretted his decision immediately after pulling the trigger.  Mortality is difficult for everyone, yet unbearable for some.  When a person feels trapped inside a burning building, they will look for any exit to escape the flames.  In Lance’s case, I believe he was looking for an exit strategy from the heat inside his mind, caused by overwhelming depression. At the time, the best option he saw was to jump from a figurative skyscraper window, despite the consequence of a certain death when he hit the ground below. He knew Kara was considering ending their relationship, and his parents had also recently announced their separation.  He had begun taking an anti-depressant medication only two weeks prior to the tragic event. The autopsy also showed alcohol and other prescription drugs in his system.

            Lance committed a serious sin, but Christ will take his entire life into account on judgment day.  Our Savior remembers every time Lance fixed someone’s car without an expectation of being paid.  He remembers every time Lance left work early to give me a ride in his beloved, black Chevy truck. He was watching every time Lance showed an act of love toward Kara and all those who were blessed to have him as a friend.  Elder M. Russell Ballard has stated, “Obviously, we do not know the full circumstances surrounding every suicide. Only the Lord knows all the details, and He it is who will judge our actions here on earth.  When He does judge us, I feel He will take all things into consideration: our genetic and chemical makeup, our mental state, our intellectual capacity, the teachings we have received, the traditions of our fathers, our health, and so forth” (Suicide: Some Things We Know, and Some We Do Not, Ensign, Oct. 1987, 8).

 Since that horrific day in 1994, Kara has been given several sacred, spiritual experiences where she felt Lance’s presence.  I firmly believe those experiences could not have occurred if Lance is being held in a spiritual prison, waiting for an eternity of hell.  He was given the opportunity to help bring peace in the wake of a storm he caused.  Part of his punishment includes watching Kara raise a family without him, but I also believe he is able to feel true joy as he sees her tackle life’s challenges successfully.