The End of an Era

Today is the big day.  First day of my new life as a . . . I'm not sure of my new title.  I know I'm still a "stay at home mom" but it feels a little weird to say that when my kids aren't here.  I've had numerous people ask me what I'm going to do to fill up my time now, and I reply that there's always PLENTY to do as a mom.  What I do during the day won't change much, but I just won't have a buddy to hang out with anymore.  For 15 years, I've been home with at least one of my babies, keeping them entertained while I clean the house and run the errands.  I'm sure I will be asked what I did during the day today, so here's how it's gone so far.

I got home about 9:00 after taking the elementary kids to school.  I sat down and finished the hard cry I had started in the car.  I ate some breakfast while flipping through Facebook, and decided I deserved a nap.  I only got a few hours of sleep last night because my anxiety about the day wasn't allowing my tears to stop.  I slept peacefully for an hour-and-a-half.  Do I feel a little strange about the fact that I slept during the day?  Yep, but I also know it will help me accomplish more today and be a happier mama when it's time to pick up all the kids.  After I finish this blog post, I'm going to work on cleaning and paying bills while cranking some very loud music so the house isn't so quiet.  

Some things that helped me get through this first day:  a new song called "Roar" on the radio, the carrot cake Christine left on my doorstep, lots of prayers, and knowing my college courses begin in just a couple weeks.  

These first pictures were taken 2 days ago at the Open Houses.  Logan's Kindergarten teacher is Mrs. Schuman, who seems very sweet and perfect for him.

Lindsey's teacher is Mrs. Shanks, who is the polar opposite of her teacher last year who was stern.  Mrs. Shanks was super excited to see Lindsey, and promised me I could help out in the classroom.

After the elementary Open House, I took Brynlie over to Middle School while Ryan took Brevan to the Junior High.  Brynlie was beyond nervous.  She has shed more tears than me in the last few days, and that's saying something.  Brynlie stuck next to my side while we met her teachers and roamed the halls.  I helped her decorate her locker with all the supplies we purchased recently.  Although she got self-conscious when she saw some of the girls who found pleasure in making 5th grade the worst year of her life, I told her to hold her head high and meet new people.  We've encouraged her to talk to everyone so she can make new friends and feel better about herself.  I was so proud of her when she turned to the boy who has a locker below hers and asked him his name.  She's going to do great.  That girl has so much to offer, and she's going to soar in life if she can get past some of these difficult years.

Brevan went to the Junior High for his Open House, found his locker and left.  He felt no need to walk around in the crowds.

Ryan has given one child a blessing each evening for the past 4 days.  That way each kid got to feel special and they weren't too tired to listen to the words of the other blessings.  It's always such a comfort to hear the words Ryan says while he blesses our children.

Last night I read a story to Lindsey, helped Brynlie pick out the very important First Day of School Outfit, then read the book, "Kindergarten, Here I Come" to Logan while we snuggled in his bed.  I stayed there until he fell asleep, and he kept his arm around my neck while rubbing my hair the whole time.  Every once in a while he would see a tear fall from my eyes, so he would give me a kiss and tell me he loves me.  My heart took a picture.  It was one of the most tender moments I've ever had as a mom. 

This morning came early, especially after we've all been sleeping in this summer.  My alarm went off at 5:30 and I thought there must be a mistake because it felt like the middle of the night.  Unfortunately, 5:30 will seem like a luxury once seminary starts next week and I have to wake up with Brevan at 5:00.  I made the kids pancakes for breakfast and started driving them all to the various schools.  First I dropped off Brynlie at the Middle School, while she tried her hardest to hold back the tears that were settling in her eyes.  Then I dropped off Brevan, who wasn't happy or anxious to be heading back to the Junior High.  I drove back home and helped the younger kids get ready before driving them to the elementary and walking them to their classrooms.  I didn't take my sunglasses off my eyes because they were red and swollen, making my anxiety obvious.  Logan held onto my leg while I walked him into his classroom, then sat at his desk and started playing a game.  I knelt down to give him one final kiss before leaving my baby in the big school.  Lindsey was excited to be starting a new school year, and walked right into her classroom before turning around and giving me a big smooch.  

I didn't quite make it to the parking lot before the tears started flowing.  I'm so proud of my kids and the people they are becoming as they grow up, but I have a hard time realizing how quickly time is flying by.  I love these kids with all my heart and wouldn't give up even one of the days I've spent with them in the last 15 years.  It's time for me to start moving on to the next stage of life, but I will always treasure the busy days I spent reading them books and wiping their faces.

Brevan - Freshman
Brynlie - 6th Grade
Lindsey - 3rd Grade
Logan - All-day Kindergarten