How Firm a Foundation

I don't claim to be a model of maturity by any means, but I have made some big strides in maturity over the years.  I think back to the person I was 5, 10, 15 or 20 years ago and want to cringe. I think of the time when I was first married and my good friend, Janee, was coming to visit me with her fiance.  Ryan and I lived in a small one-bedroom apartment, and I knew of Janee's plans to visit for several weeks.  Yet when she came to see me, the apartment was TRASHED.  I guess I just hadn't felt like cleaning in . . . weeks?  How humiliating!  I think she begged to see the whole apartment, because I took her back to the bedroom and you literally could not see the floor because there was dirty laundry everywhere.  I'm disgusted with myself.  It's a good thing we all  have to grow up eventually.  I was such a young bride that I experienced a large amount of growing pains over the first few years of marriage. When I married Ryan in the temple, I believe I had a simple testimony of the truthfulness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  I must have had angels guiding my footsteps, helping me begin to see my potential.  I spent the first couple years of married life being somewhat active in the church, meaning that I went when I felt like it as long as church didn't start too early in the morning.  I had no direction in my life, and was still learning who I was and what I wanted.  From the moment Brevan was born, I felt a huge sense of responsibility for his physical and spiritual development.  I realized I wanted more for my life, and more for my son.  A few months later, I was called to be the Secretary in the Primary Presidency of my ward.  I was stunned.  It seems so funny now, but at the time I was shocked because I didn't feel like I was presidency material.  I felt like God had given me this opportunity because He believed in me, and I wanted to make Him proud.

My testimony of the restored Gospel, the Prophet Joseph Smith, modern-day prophets and the atonement of Jesus Christ continued to grow a little at a time.  There were many trials.  We all have them, but I look back at some of mine and am sure glad I've passed those moments in life.  Although there are many trials yet to come, the fact that I can look back and see my progression helps me know that I can survive anything this world throws my way.  

I found out I was pregnant with Lindsey in January, 2004.  I was driving home from the store where I had purchased a pregnancy test and heard the song "Remember When" by Alan Jackson on the radio.  I cried so hard that I decided I was either completely crazy or just pregnant.  I was elated to realize I was pregnant (although I admit there's a large amount of crazy in me too)!  It was a difficult time in our marriage, and I look back in awe that we decided to have another baby at that time.  I had been trying to get pregnant for a whole year, so the news was very exciting, yet we must have had a lot of faith because our lives were far from easy. Ryan was working as a teacher during the day, as a carpet cleaner/installer in the evenings, and was also getting his Master Degree in the evenings.  He was rarely home, so we were both under large amounts of stress which made his time at home stressful also.  Luckily we had both learned to buckle down and deal with life, so we survived.  A couple months after getting pregnant with Lindsey, I found out my friend Jen was also pregnant.  She was a good friend who worked with me in Young Women's and I admired her love and devotion to her family.  I remember a conversation we had where she told me that she always wanted her husband to know he was her first priority because he is her eternal companion.  She said she didn't always succeed at making him feel her love because of the demands of motherhood, but I thought she was a saint and I looked to her as an example of righteous living.  

I delivered Lindsey in September, and Jen brought me a meal a couple days later.  She marveled at my tiny baby, and looked forward to the delivery of her own baby girl in a couple months.  We were excited that our girls would be the same age and could be friends.  Jen delivered her little Josie in November, and headed home after a couple days in the hospital.  Over the next few days, however, she began to feel very sick and thought she had contracted the flu.  After a simple doctor visit, she returned home but became more sick.  By the time Josie was only a week old, Jen was rushed to the emergency room where she went into a long coma as her body began to shut down because it was infected with Strep A (Staphylococcal toxic shock syndrome).  It was a terrifying time, because she was given only a 5% chance to live.  All of her extremities had tissue deconstruction, so they turned black with gangrene.  Her body swelled and by the time I went to tell her goodbye in the hospital, she was unrecognizable.  In the following weeks she had both her legs amputated as well as 3 fingers on both hands.  My heart broke for my sweet friend who was losing her fight with life and might not be able to hold her new baby again.  I often cried while nursing Lindsey as I thought of Josie (and her older brothers) being cared for by grandparents. After one particularly sad day, I woke up with these words in my head:

Fear not, I am with thee; oh be not dismayed

For I am thy God and will still give thee aid

I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand

Upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand.

I had heard this song many times in my life, but had never paid attention to the words.  I knew I was receiving divine revelation because up until that point I could not have quoted the third verse of the song.  The words made me choke with tears as I thought of the possibility of my dear friend being able to physically stand again one day on artificial legs, but I knew that her spirit was already a towering giant.  While in the hospital for the next many months, she was able to receive a blessing from Elder Hales of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.  He told her that it was not her time to return to her Savior, but she needed to know that if she had not survived, she was worthy to be in His presence.  I am so honored to know such a remarkable person.

Jen and I have kept in contact over the years, and still send each other Christmas cards with pictures of our growing families.  She has learned to manage life with a wheelchair and artificial legs, and is grateful that she still has her thumbs for accomplishing tasks.  Jen is one of those special angels I've been privileged to know in my lifetime.  

In the 8 years since delivering our beautiful blond girls, Jen and I have both experienced joy and heartache. I would never compare my trials to hers, but I've dealt with my own hard times and have often thought about the moment when the heavens opened to give me comfort in the form of a song.  How Firm a Foundation has become my favorite song, as it has brought me peace and understanding during some of the most difficult times I've experienced.  It is sung during every session of Conference, so I look forward to hearing the words that make me feel my Savior's love.

How firm a foundation, ye Saints of the Lord

Is laid for your faith in his excellent word!

What more can he say than to you he hath said

Who unto the Savior for refuge have fled?

In every condition, in sickness, in health

In poverty's vale or abounding in wealth

At home or abroad, on the land or the sea

As thy days may demand, so thy succor shall be.

Fear not, I am with thee, oh be not dismayed

For I am thy God and will still give thee aid

I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand

Upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand.

When though the deep waters I call thee to go

The rivers of sorrow shall not thee overflow

For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless

And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie

My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply

The flame shall not hurt thee, I only design

They dross to consume and thy gold to refine.

Even down to old age, all my people shall prove

My sovereign, eternal, unchangeable love

And then, when gray hair shall their temples adorn

Like lambs shall they still in my bosom be borne.

The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose

I will not, I cannot desert to his foes

That soul, though all hell shall endeavor to shake

I'll never, no never, no never forsake!

Giving Jen the quilt we made when she was able to come home for a short visit in February,  2005.

The women I served with in the Lehi ward Young Womens presidency - Monique, Angela and Jen.  We took this picture while at dinner the week before I moved to Missouri in September 2005, when it had been almost a year since Lindsey and Josie were born.