When my Mom retired last year, she spent several weeks feeling overwhelmed as she tried to accomplish everything on her to-do list that had been postponed for years. I've felt some of those feelings over the past couple months as I've adjusted to my new "normal." I love all my new responsibilities, but I'm feeling worn down some days because I don't have enough downtime. I'm learning how to adjust my schedule to accomplish everything I need to do, but I am ALWAYS sleep-deprived. I remember being exhausted when I was in the baby stage of life, and moms with older kids would say super un-helpful things like, "enjoy it while they're little because it gets harder when they grow up." I did not feel properly validated in those physically exhausting years, and I wondered how it could get any harder!? Now I've realized that not only am I physically tired (because I'm up late with kids and then up early getting kids off to school in shifts: Brevan at 5:35, Brynlie at 7:00 and the youngest two at 8), but I didn't understand in those diaper years how emotionally exhausting it can be to raise teenagers. My days are packed with worthwhile activities, but I sometimes second-guess myself as to whether I'm putting my energy into all the right places. Please no one tell me adult children are hard in their own way, because I don't think my emotions could handle that right now! I'm grateful my kids know they can share their thoughts and concerns at home, but it can be mentally taxing when I get the brunt of the negativity. I look at my oldest two kids and see mini-adults that I'm supposed to be preparing for the world they will soon have to master on their own. Am I doing everything I'm supposed to, and in the right way? I can answer that pretty easily - no. But I'm trying, and they are making mature decisions in life, so I can sometimes see the fruits of my labor. I hope I'm not short-changing my kids as I take on new adventures in my life. This is such an exciting time as I begin to remember who I was before having kids, but I still want my focus to always be on my family first. Education and volunteer work need to always take a backseat when my family needs me.
I love blogging. I have almost no recollection of what I wrote in that last paragraph, but somehow I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. Just writing out my feelings helps me release some anxiety. Unfortunately, I'm struggling to find time to blog lately because my schoolwork is taking up my time and brain space.
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