Emotional layers

I think I will start writing more of my thoughts and feelings about different topics.  Maybe that means I'm opinionated, or maybe it sounds selfish, but I'm working on being more open with my emotions.  I consider myself a moderately good person, so I've made the "mistake" recently of trying to be more mindful of my faults.  I even included it in my daily prayers.  What do you know?  Prayer answered. 

I don't like spilling too much emotionally, especially in person.  Writing helps me deal with thoughts and emotions that stay covered up most of the time.  I'm starting to realize that I've got a fair amount of issues that need some serious correcting.  I'd say it was a positive week in that I made some self-discoveries about myself.  Unfortunately, I didn't like what I saw in most of the discoveries.  But I do think it can only help to know how truly complicated I am, so I can work on peeling away the emotional layers and finding out what drives my core emotions.

Love is a core emotion.  And that is one that definitely drives my life.  Fear is another core emotion, and I'm starting to think it has more to do with my feelings and attitudes than I would like.  Hope is another.  One thing I've learned over and over the past few years is:

The older I get the less I know.

Many of my theories have been tried and tested, leaving me thinking, "huh?" when they fail.

I remember hearing that fear and hope can't exist at the same time.  Stupid fear.  Ryan and I have had some awesome discussions this week, and we've both come away learning so much about each other, but even more about ourselves.  He's been helping me work on the process of peeling away layers, so I can figure out what's driving some of the less-than-desirable, unhealthy, not-at-all-logical feelings that make me think and act certain ways.  We have a daily question we have to answer, such as today's question, "What is your greatest fear in life?"  After moving on with our day while pondering the question, we return to it later and discuss.  In the hours I spend digging deeper and deeper into these questions, I'm beginning to understand some things about myself.  Today's realizations:

My self-esteem is not as great as I wish it was.

I sometimes feel like I need to prove to the world that I'm succeeding.

Digging down to core emotions brings me substantial anxiety.

Conflict scares me.

Add those to the other realizations of the week, and I'm hoping I live a long life so I can overcome many of the destructive thoughts that affect my relationships with others.