Decisions

Sometimes I like to carefully word my thoughts before adding them to this blog.  Other times, like today, I just type my thoughts so I can clear my head and quickly push the publish button.  I've had to make a lot of decisions lately and it hasn't been easy.  Some people crave change.  I want to slap those people.  Change is very hard for me, because my brain has to imagine every possible scenario and I can't shut off the thoughts.  When there is a big decision to make, I obsess.

We are moving to Utah.  My teenagers are devastated and it breaks my heart.  I know it is common for teenagers to have to experience hard changes, but I take my role as a mom very seriously and I hate adding this huge change onto their already complicated lives.  On Tuesday I flew to Utah so I could clear my head and try to wrap my brain around the idea of moving my family there.  I rented a car and started driving south on I-15.  Tears started flowing and didn't stop until an hour later when I was in South Utah County.  I thought of my teenage years where I felt like a nobody in an enormous Utah high school.  I thought of the friends we will be leaving behind, after my kids have spent years trying to develop good friendships.  I thought of the trials we've faced in the last year that had me REALLY hoping 2015 would be less stressful.  I thought of the struggles we've conquered in Missouri the past 9 1/2 years.  I thought of everything as the fear and anxiety leaked out my eyes.

My tears started to dry as I got off the freeway and drove through Payson.  Then through Salem.  I drove up the mountain to Woodland Hills.  I spent 4 hours driving neighborhoods and praying for peace about the hard decision we are making.  Then I happened to drive past Salem Hills High School and turned off the car engine in the parking lot.  I looked around at the cows in the fields, the towering Rocky Mountains, the kids running in the snowy streets and the teenagers laughing with their friends.  And I got the answer I so desperately needed.

Peace is a funny thing.  It helps me move forward with faith, whether or not I like the decision.

I knew I wanted to attend the temple so I could gain some clarity.  I asked my Dad if he would like to meet me at the Provo temple.  He was kind enough to alter his schedule, even though he had no idea why I was in Utah.  I have never felt the Spirit in a temple session like I did on Wednesday.

My short time alone in Utah brought me comfort because I could see my family thriving there.  I'm grateful for answered prayers, even if the answers aren't always what we want them to be.  I'm slowly learning how to fully trust God as I give up my will to His.